I'm just really tired of everything. I want to focus on my exams but I can't, because I have a dad who drinks all the time, and smokes weed, and glares at me a lot. And my mum's just pathetically passive and she lets Taraneh come round and smoke in my room, which I'm sure cannot be good for the books. And I have to apply for student finance and my head hurts and...there's an ant running manic right next to my elbow...
Anyway, my dad came up with this ridiculous suggestion that we cut off all contact with my mother and come and live with him. He said it would solve all our problems, but who the hell is he kidding? It's revenge. Sometimes I wonder whether he stuck around for 18 years for us, or to stick it to my mum.
(That's another thing I need to add to my list of worries: I'm a bitch!)
So Parissa came up with this positively genius idea to placate him, which was that me and her write a letter to my mum telling her how we feel. I was completely against the idea. I mean, it was getting to the point where I was considering saying, "Dad, just give it up, mate."
And last week my dad gave me a four hour lecture on how he already expected me to have had a draft written up. And I'm like "WTF? FOUR A-LEVELS!!!"
But today, Parissa sent me her letter (which, by the way, I'm pretty sure was not written in a state of sobriety), and now I'm thinking that maybe this might be a good idea. I mean, I'm equally of the opinion it's a shocking idea, but still there's a part of me that likes it. Because, despite all the grammatical errors, her letter actually says a lot of good stuff. I'll post it below:
"Im writing this letter because I feel I need to say something important to you both and I think this is the best way for me to communicate this to you as I don’t feel I could confidently express this to you verbally.
This year Yasamin is going to go off to Edinburgh and I am obviously in London. With us moving away I think its important that certain issues are resolved before moving. The issues im talking about are the issues between taraneh and dad that affect us all. Its been 5 years since taraneh and dad last spoke and both me and yasamin think it is time we all tried to fix things and sit and talk about it. We feel weve been somewhat overlooked in terms of our feelings in all this over the concern for taranehs mental health, when its plainly obvious that weve been affected too, and that weve had an unfair amount of pressure put upon us from all sides. I don’t enjoy coming home from university as much as id like to because I know that things are still hostile and just because we don’t talk about the problems, or just because you ignore dad it doesn’t mean him or the issues you have with him are going to go away. All this has made me feel under pressure and has previously caused me to have anxiety attacks. Although Yasamin doesn’t express similar feelings as obviously as I do, she is does show hostilities towards everyone in this family but me, which are in no way coincidental and you’d naïve to think they were just some teenage thing. All this may sound fairly selfish but I just want the weight of this off mine and everyone elses shoulders for good.
We propose a meeting, me, Taraneh, Yasamin, Mum and Dad to try and clarify the issues that have been there for the last five years. As were all pretty much adults now I figured we would be able to do this.
I think that although this letter may sound like were choosing sides I promise you were not, we just want our feelings considered in all of this and action taken for in the long run the benefit of not just me and yasamin but the overall benefit of everyone.
Love
Parissa"
It made me cry. Just a little bit. It bothers me though, that, although this letter is so painful, there's still so much more to say. Keep this quiet. I'm pretty sure Parissa would kill me if she knew I'd posted this."I know you're scared, even though you say that you're not"- I Won't Be Left, Tegan and Sara
No comments:
Post a Comment