I LOVE SCHRODINGER'S CAT.

At least, I think I do.
Or do I?
I'm not too sure.

When I was younger I thought nothing of it. I talked to myself, imagined weird things and wrote stories. Nothing so weird for a nine year old. At seventeen it's a bit different.

I know other people like me, but it doesn't seem so weird on them.
It seems like I have too many thoughts in my head, and none of them make any sense. The thought of picking up the computer mouse and throwing at him, the thought of laughing maniacally at something completely unfunny, the thought of making friends with a stranger. I lie awake at night thinking of conjugated verbs, integrated sine functions, and suitable adjectives.

I've been wondering for a while why I'm like this, and why other people find it funny, and why no one else thinks like that. And I reached a conclusion:

I will never know.

But I won't stop trying. That's what I like. I look at other people, who are so content to go through life, sleeping late and doing their work and answering questions without wondering WHY? Why is it that the natural logarithm of x differentiates to 1/x? What is it about the word the word fateful that gives it a negative connotation, when it holds so much positive imagery? What's a gyroscope? What's the Karnaugh map? Sierpinski's triangle game? The correctly conjugated form of s'assesoir in the first person indicative?

I can't understand it. I don't understand why one wouldn't want to know these things. I don't get why you would be content to learn about Shakespeare without understanding it. I don't understand how you could use Alice in Wonderland as a stimulus (not meaning to offend, Megs) without knowing it. I don't really know why you would read a book and NOT look up the words you don't know.
It's not that I expect everyone to understand everything. I certainly don't. But I couldn't sit back without questioning.
How could I not shiver at the mere thought of limiting equilibrium? At standing in the balance, on the edge of something I couldn't fathom. A slip, a pull, a fall? And this is maths! This is A-level maths! And the philosophy of it baffles me. Why is something like that not the same as the chaos theory? Why is it not the same as the butterfly effect? The pendulum effect?

I think, therefore I am. If I ceased to wonder, I would no longer be. Or no longer be me. I'm not so sure. But other people manage. I heard someone today (I shall not mention who) who was telling a friend they were behind on their coursework even though they were only taking two subjects. FTW? How? What he/she must spend his/her time doing is beyond me. If it was something productive like writing or reading or something other than drinking and taking certain narcotics (which I assume is the case), I wouldn't mind. I deem spending all night on the internet as a pretty productive past time. I deem spending days making origami cranes as productive. But, let's be honest, is that happening?
I doubt not.
I don't think you have to particularly clever to wonder. You just have to have your eyes open. Is it not common sense, general knowledge that Africa is not one SINGULAR country? Why, then, are there still 18-year-old girls who are not aware it's a fucking CONTINENT.

There was much more I was going to get onto. Philosophically, I could have drabbled on for hours. But that would make a pretty boring and/or confusing blog. But I was just sitting here, thinking, wondering. And I thought I'd share these thoughts with you.

This is not snobbery, I would like to point out. I am genuinely questioning a lack of enthusiasm. When the world is so exciting, how can we ignore it?

So there you go. My blog of reflection. Think on it? I think I do. I think this is why I don't sleep. I think this is why I cry when someone breaks their glasses. I really can't handle broken glasses. Kills me. But I would rather have my hyperactive, child-of-four-fed-pixie-sticks brain, than a languid, lazy one.

(btw, Sierpinski's triangle game? FASCINATING. Take a look.)

Further reading/watching:

The Moth Diaries
Justin Case
The Science of Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials
The Science of Sleep
The Number Devil

“Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the things you can think up if only you try!”- Dr Seuss