I'm a big girl now.
It's weird, being here. In Edinburgh. At uni. Alone. I feel like I waited for such a long time for it to happen, and now it has. Maybe I thought I would notice the change. Maybe I thought I would just suddenly be a different, much happier person.
And I am. It's so much easier to be up here than down there. There are aspects of down there that I miss- my friends, the familiarity, all those little people who aren't really you're friends but are just people you like to see. But here, I can do what I want. I know that's what every young person wants when they leave home. Freedom. But for me it's different, because at home I was so much less free than most other people. I was always watching what I said, what I did, where I went, who I was with, just so that life could be peaceful on both sides of the battlefield.
I love it here.
I love walking through the Meadows and feeling like it's mine.
I love meeting new people and telling them about myself.
I love letting myself into my flat.
I love cooking my own food.
I love buying my own food.
I love showering whenever I want.
I love being alone.
I love being with other people.
It's not so easy. I still have to fit everything into a certain amount of time. I still have to buy everything myself. But even that feels good, even when it doesn't. Even as my the amount in my bank accounts disappears week by week, there's this little thrill you feel when "oh, that's my rent money", or, "oh yeah, that one was for a blender" (N.B. I haven't actually bought a blender yet, but I've spotted one in Argos for £4.97-- I'm gonna make SO MUCH SOUP!).
I guess I'm saying that, yeah, I have worries. I'm a worrier, it's what I do. But now, at least, they're MY worries, about me and my life. They aren't someone else's issues that I'm being forced to deal with, or someone else's sadness that's being pushed on to me.
It's my sadness, and I can do what I like with it.
So I think I'll scrunch it up, and put it in the bin under my desk.
It's not a recycling bin.
"I'm out to learn more about who I really was before. Yeah, I'm going north." Going North by Missy Higgins
